On a good day, I spend a couple of hours reading passionately and crying when I properly touched by truths.
I constrain myself by reading other’s work and not writing myself dry. Typing and writing for hours is something I do not do in a given day.
What is this business of writing from within one’s experiences? I confront this
D(a)emon that speaks, “You have nothing valuable to say after forty years of a self centered life” to Inalienable Life. I have lived these forty years around the ideal of a pain free existence through compromises, whilst feeding Fear and staying on these paths of least resistance because the mere imagination of pain and extended suffering are enough to retract my mind to lizard survival mode.
I want to investigate the value of such a way of Being. The life of aversions and Flight has shaped a character which has become divided from its Integrity and discordant with her given word. I have lived on terms which suited my changing moods and ills, and I have developed poor character and poor form when engaged in social relationships with my fellow man, beginning with my family.
My confidence is shot in the leg when asked to arise to obligations and other token pleasantries that man poses onto fellow man. Conversation appears delicate and willing to collapse at the mere hint of gravity. The weight of Projections shifts with the opening of the small talk about “the rains in Spain staying mainly on the plains.” If marbles in my mouth could simply improve my ability to gab with superiors, I would store them like a chipmunk before the winter. My sisters, Intensity and Ernestine dig my grave through lettered books whenever they are let out from the upstairs bedroom. Their drawn faces are sometimes MAC’ed for mockery and feminine power.
Child or Warrior’s
Classic Feature#1- She won’t do what you ask of her without discussion, protest or resentment of your powers over her Velocity. Classic Feature #2- She will lie though those promises which sounded the most plausible. Classic Feature #3- She won’t do what you ask of her. Adjectives and pejoratives include: willful, stubborn, independent, irresponsible, single-minded.
The angers and bitter temper are remnants from battles over her soul and rightful freedom to life on her terms and values. But what kind of ( over)-culture includes women of intelligence, soul, authenticity, quick tongue to match the temper? Where do such fiery women belong? They do not most often belong with other women whose roles are dictated by marriages, motherhood and Martha molds out of modern demonstrations. They come from a tribe created from God’s breath into Mother Earth and they maintain the cord into the Spirit womb in order to continue to create as the Resurrection of Christ’s Love.
I have no privileged status in life, Unmarried, Barren and Estranged from my original family while reliving a drama based on their Rejection of me, the Failing girl child. Perhaps these descriptions carry no sentimental charge for the gentle reader…
These terms occur to me suddenly as another lexicon in Freedom and Responsibility.