Prayers and ping pong

“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” Albert Camus, French Philosopher/Writer

In the last session with my therapist, the idea of my being imperfectly perfect was reiterated. It’s so hard to hear him when I am in my shame and ego’s death.
The bottom line is, the self is to accept the idea that it is “that” and “that” is an imperfect perfection.
I left the office resisting the idea that I couldn’t change myself through the course of my decisions.

I don’t want to be “that”!

I was there to improve myself through self-mastery, right?

Ugh, yeah…

Japanese Koan – I need do nothing.

“What if i lose fifty pounds and
get a job that makes lots of money?
Then, can i be a different and acceptable person?

no, you still get to be you

but you don’t understand
my father doesn’t respect fat people
my mother thinks animals that are sold to markets are
more valuable than fattened daughters

not any skinnier, are ya?

how can i make them love me?

you can’t make anyone love you.

why don’t they love me?

i don’t know…i’m sure they love you.

so this is what (their) love feels like?

sometimes,…”

My adventure is that i am another proof that one can survive
rejection, lovelessness and imperfect raising of rebellious daughters.
Originally i carried metaphors of warriors and other survivors in my psyche
to cut through the trenches in parts of the emotional landscape but

i realize that i no longer want to fight for love that feels like self -worth.
i just want to reclaim and release all the love within
these pockets to feed the ducks and swans.
i thought i needed love before i could be loving.

love precedes me
love does not request an original mold
just another pair of hands in this world
for prayers and ping-pong.

Text copyright ©2010 by Hae Jung Kwon. All rights reserved.

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About heartbluestockings

All posts are original intellectual property. Copyright 2010 Hae Jung Kwon. All rights reserved.
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4 Responses to Prayers and ping pong

  1. annie says:

    Wow. I am thinking of you & a zillion other thoughts your entry charged up. Such honesty is really inspiring; really sad & really brave. Beautifully said, as always.

    • Your heart has so much grace and it comforts me to know that we can connect through our writing paths. As soon as I hit the published button, I started cringing at the thought of “here I go, just yakking and mouth running and ass hanging…” Except, I realize in afterthought, ” Hey, I have *never* recalled that particulat interaction with my parents or tried to articulate my sense of self hatred for my liberation.” I must be headed in the right direction….!

  2. liz says:

    the concept of perfection is an illusion, just like everything else we long for that we think doesn’t already exist in this moment. learn to appreciate the perfectly imperfect and to manufacture even the smallest fraction of an ounce of contentment in this moment, as it is, and you will be spinning gold from straw.

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